End of the Year

i never understand why its such a big deal.
i mean
i don't celebrate the new morning
which really is more substantial to me than a new year
because if the new year never came its because the next day never came.


i mean 2008 was ...interesting.
man i've fucked up this year.
i've dated some serious assholes
i've been a serious asshole.
i've realized i lack the human capacity to give my heart away to people.
i've also realized that my libido is more in charge of me than is acceptable.
i've read great books, met fantastic people, wasted time like no ones business, reaffirmed and rearranged my beliefs,
i feel like this year is one of the first times i've really just...appreciated the moments.


and now i'm about to be uprooted and thrown into "adult hood" and college




i'm more mature than i was a year ago.
and quite frankly i'm proud of the person i'm becoming.



i'm self aware and okay with most of the things that are clearly wrong with me.



this year made me realize

i'll never fit in to normal societial roles and i'm simply doomed to walk to the beat of my own drum.

while i love being free and flowy...theres always that isolation factor.


the misanthrope just wants to be loved.






i"m rambling again, sorry.

vonnegut

katie bought me a fish.

its cute.




i named it vonnegut.

because kurt vonnegut is amazing
and should be reincarnated as my pet.
or friend.
or himself

his books are brilliant
he's brilliant
and my fish is my pathetic tribute.


so it goes.

etc.

why can i only create when i feel like shit?

i hate the things i make when i'm happy.

that's not good.



And I don’t know why I feel so tongue-tied
Don’t know why I feel so skinned alive


myxomatosis of the brain.
i swear to christ.

all i do

all i do anymore is sit around listening to music and reading.


i should go outside.


i need to take more pictures soon before the place in my brain that stores all photography related knowledge atrophies.

i should have taken it with me today.
but i didn't because i was too preoccupied with the rain and the air.
i felt like i'd be intruding.

i'm so dumb :/

what if

what if the amount of flash-drives a person carries around is directly proportionate to how important they are?


what if we could live on the moon? how fast would we ruin it?


what if i didn't have to do more home and family shit for photography 3.


fuck you.!

i hate my family, they're ugly and assholes.


no thanks.



um, etc.

panic attack

• Racing or pounding heartbeat
• Sweating
• Trembling
• Feeling short of breath or smothered
• Choking sensation
• Chest pain or discomfort
• Nausea or stomach discomfort
• Dizziness or lightheadedness
• Surreal or detached feeling
• Fear of losing control or going crazy
• Fear of dying
• Numbing or tingling
• Chills or hot flushes

they suck.
i hate phobias.

i fucking hate birds.
i hate how i can't control my body
i just fucking lost my shit.


:/

i miss suggestion

i miss commercials not being blatantly sexual.

i miss the fun of it being a double meaning that was still hidden.

i hate how sexuality is either exploited or shameful.


i just want people to want to bone and not feel the need to broadcast their sexual adventures across my television set at dinner time.



that is all.