sometimes.

sometimes i wish something would happen to justify the paranoia.




is that wrong?

i'm not begging for more things to go wrong.
theres plenty of that.

idk.

i just want to be able to not look so crazy all the time.



i have six pages of manic scrawlings from last night.

theyr'e all so illegible

except that line.


awesome. i'm losing my shit again.

....

this can't be real.

this isn't right

no no no no no.

i feel sad.
and empty
and my stomach/heart hurt.



this isn't right.

fuck, fuck, fuck.


:'(


he's too sweet and good.
he shouldn't have to deal with this.


fuck you universe.
if there is a god he clearly loves fucking up everything good and right.


i hate how someone will probably think its just god testing them.
nothing happens for a reason.
were all fucked.
i hate everything.

i can't do this right now.

i wonder

i wonder a lot: what if i'm wrong about God not existing?


what if i die and the big mans real and he's just irked as hell because i denounced his existence for my whole life.?

or will he really be the forgiving cool guy everyone says he is? 'oh you lived a fairly not horrible life WELCOME'

idk, i'm not a bad person all the time.
i just.....
i'm a bad person more often than is really heaven worthy thoughh.


i mean i've never like killed anyone.

but really, its the thought that counts.

yeah that shit goes both ways.


but on the other hand.

nothing really matters anyway.
my existence is totally without reason or purpose.
and that's fucking rad.

but my ego wont let that happen
i must be something
i must change someones opinion thoughts views open some fucking doors man!



i just wish some shit was spelled out for you
like yeah, we are created by some magic man in the sky
or no you fucking idiot were jsut here; do something with the time ?



speaking of time.
fuck you modern medicine.
i don't want to live to 100
which is fucking lame.
everythigns lame.



i dont know if i can hold this shit up much longer.

i need a mental health week...month.

End of the Year

i never understand why its such a big deal.
i mean
i don't celebrate the new morning
which really is more substantial to me than a new year
because if the new year never came its because the next day never came.


i mean 2008 was ...interesting.
man i've fucked up this year.
i've dated some serious assholes
i've been a serious asshole.
i've realized i lack the human capacity to give my heart away to people.
i've also realized that my libido is more in charge of me than is acceptable.
i've read great books, met fantastic people, wasted time like no ones business, reaffirmed and rearranged my beliefs,
i feel like this year is one of the first times i've really just...appreciated the moments.


and now i'm about to be uprooted and thrown into "adult hood" and college




i'm more mature than i was a year ago.
and quite frankly i'm proud of the person i'm becoming.



i'm self aware and okay with most of the things that are clearly wrong with me.



this year made me realize

i'll never fit in to normal societial roles and i'm simply doomed to walk to the beat of my own drum.

while i love being free and flowy...theres always that isolation factor.


the misanthrope just wants to be loved.






i"m rambling again, sorry.

vonnegut

katie bought me a fish.

its cute.




i named it vonnegut.

because kurt vonnegut is amazing
and should be reincarnated as my pet.
or friend.
or himself

his books are brilliant
he's brilliant
and my fish is my pathetic tribute.


so it goes.

etc.

why can i only create when i feel like shit?

i hate the things i make when i'm happy.

that's not good.



And I don’t know why I feel so tongue-tied
Don’t know why I feel so skinned alive


myxomatosis of the brain.
i swear to christ.

all i do

all i do anymore is sit around listening to music and reading.


i should go outside.


i need to take more pictures soon before the place in my brain that stores all photography related knowledge atrophies.

i should have taken it with me today.
but i didn't because i was too preoccupied with the rain and the air.
i felt like i'd be intruding.

i'm so dumb :/

what if

what if the amount of flash-drives a person carries around is directly proportionate to how important they are?


what if we could live on the moon? how fast would we ruin it?


what if i didn't have to do more home and family shit for photography 3.


fuck you.!

i hate my family, they're ugly and assholes.


no thanks.



um, etc.

panic attack

• Racing or pounding heartbeat
• Sweating
• Trembling
• Feeling short of breath or smothered
• Choking sensation
• Chest pain or discomfort
• Nausea or stomach discomfort
• Dizziness or lightheadedness
• Surreal or detached feeling
• Fear of losing control or going crazy
• Fear of dying
• Numbing or tingling
• Chills or hot flushes

they suck.
i hate phobias.

i fucking hate birds.
i hate how i can't control my body
i just fucking lost my shit.


:/

i miss suggestion

i miss commercials not being blatantly sexual.

i miss the fun of it being a double meaning that was still hidden.

i hate how sexuality is either exploited or shameful.


i just want people to want to bone and not feel the need to broadcast their sexual adventures across my television set at dinner time.



that is all.