seriously?

i've never understood people cheating on each other.
breaking up[while totally awful at that moment] not that fucking hard to do.

stop cheating on her.

and with.....that .


jesus christ.


and now, basically the whole school knows.
because obnoxious people listen in.


anyway.

she's going to find out from the whole school.
and thats horrible.


whats worse?
i'm afraid she'll attempt to "prove her worth" by fucking him.

and really, if he wins in this at all i'll kill myself.


theres no fucking way the world is okay if that happens.





fuck you.
you're a pig.
break up with her
and let that fucking beast of a human blow you to your hearts content.
but don't hurt that poor innocent girl who for some demented reason thinks you're a good person .



dick.
move.

i post too many of these.

i guess the name is more fitting now.
manic ramblings
that's all i do.


and i am the girl who tried.

whether anyone gets my references or not doesn't really matter to me.




Somebody

[sometime to sometime]

He Tried



i base too much of my life off of things other people have said or done.

i just want to be a good person.


its so fucking hard sometimes.



the news makes me cry.


how doesn't it make everyone?


i can't deal with this shit.


i'm an emotional wreck.

and all i do is pretend i don't have emotions to everyone.

i fuck up relationship after relationship because i don't want to hurt them

i break up with people to avoid hurting them.
what kind of retarded logic is that?
then i justify it to myself "oh it would've ended badly"


and then i get lonely.
and i do it again.
i date someone for like a month to two months
then vomit my insanity on them in one sitting.

then they're like "well work it out"
and i'm like "no"

and its bad.

i'm 18. i shouldn't have this many issues already.


i think i'm bipolar.
but i get physically ill if i think too long about it.

the longer you think the less you know what to do.

no one knows these things.
well i'm sure they've all assumed i'm not an emotionless robot.
thyey're not all stupid.



its pathetic the way i block it out until i meltdown.
which really its about every 4-5 weeks.

i get mad at love stories for being so irrational.
i get mad at women for being so open with their emotions.
i get mad.


i hate the world and everyone in it.

but thats totally a lie.


and totally makes that sound stupid.

everything i say sounds stupid.





i wouldn't advise getting too close.
i only bite because i'm scared.
i only bite because i don't want to hear it.
i can't accept your love.
i can't accept your worry.
i can't accept your good nature.

i want to.
oh sweet god in heaven i want to.
i want nothing more than to fall asleep in someones arms and have it not make me want to vomit the battery acid i'm sure flows through my veins.




i'm insane.
i'm sorry.

how did i become so misogynistic

i mean, i'm a woman.
i have rights and shit.
idon't really want to be shoved back into the kitchen and such.

however, i really wouldn't mind if pretty much every other woman was.

naturally there are exceptions
but really...


jane austen is making me realize more an more how much i hate women.


she wrote this stupid book
she wrote a satire. go her.
she wrote a book full of people she clearly loathes.
merely to make herself look better.?


and now mr. darcy who just treats everyone like shit is really super duper in love with elizabeth?


why the fuck would that happen?

it wouldn't.

i hate this stupid fantasy world these women build

oh he's being a dick because he's afraidddddd.


no he's being a dick because you're annoying and empty headed.



fuck fuck fuck.

why am i always so fucking angry?

its never too late to lose your pants

mannnn..


i like being twitchy.


i had to change the name of my blog

my mother nearly shit a brick.

fucking bitch stalks me on the internet.



goo away mother.
i hate you.
let me blog in peace.
let me take pictures the way i want.

i hate you stiffling my artistic creativity/


i hate you actually.




super.



now that thats out of the way/.


hi 2009

i'm going to write 08 on my papers til at least mid june.

that's how cool i am.


i like typing..


its never eloquent.
which is kind of lame

i wish it flowed out of me in poetic verses.



i wish i wish i wish.

i'm too idealistic.


ahahahhahahahahaha.



manic. depression.

sometimes.

sometimes i wish something would happen to justify the paranoia.




is that wrong?

i'm not begging for more things to go wrong.
theres plenty of that.

idk.

i just want to be able to not look so crazy all the time.



i have six pages of manic scrawlings from last night.

theyr'e all so illegible

except that line.


awesome. i'm losing my shit again.

....

this can't be real.

this isn't right

no no no no no.

i feel sad.
and empty
and my stomach/heart hurt.



this isn't right.

fuck, fuck, fuck.


:'(


he's too sweet and good.
he shouldn't have to deal with this.


fuck you universe.
if there is a god he clearly loves fucking up everything good and right.


i hate how someone will probably think its just god testing them.
nothing happens for a reason.
were all fucked.
i hate everything.

i can't do this right now.

i wonder

i wonder a lot: what if i'm wrong about God not existing?


what if i die and the big mans real and he's just irked as hell because i denounced his existence for my whole life.?

or will he really be the forgiving cool guy everyone says he is? 'oh you lived a fairly not horrible life WELCOME'

idk, i'm not a bad person all the time.
i just.....
i'm a bad person more often than is really heaven worthy thoughh.


i mean i've never like killed anyone.

but really, its the thought that counts.

yeah that shit goes both ways.


but on the other hand.

nothing really matters anyway.
my existence is totally without reason or purpose.
and that's fucking rad.

but my ego wont let that happen
i must be something
i must change someones opinion thoughts views open some fucking doors man!



i just wish some shit was spelled out for you
like yeah, we are created by some magic man in the sky
or no you fucking idiot were jsut here; do something with the time ?



speaking of time.
fuck you modern medicine.
i don't want to live to 100
which is fucking lame.
everythigns lame.



i dont know if i can hold this shit up much longer.

i need a mental health week...month.