I'm a liar.
I'm a whore.
I'm an asshole.
I'm a terrible excuse for a human being.
My id is in control more than I realized
and now that I've caught on i'm hoping to change.
but i don't know if i can.
no one has faith.
Ian told me he didn't think I'd ever change.
and that I was bound to keep hurting people.
which i guess is true.
I just wish I...actually cared?
its not that I don't care.
its just... I still don't see anything wrong with being self serving.
which is the problem i'm sure.
i know what i want. i get what i want
and i ignore what i need
and i don't care.
but on the other hand
i care so much my soul weeps.
i don't know if i have a soul.
i doubt it.
i'm just a fleshy bag of existence with a pathetic mind that is clearly failing
i have no fucking clue where my super ego is.
but it should show up.
so i can care.
i feel as if the devil and god are both sitting by idly while I rip myself to shreds and destroy anyone who gets close enough to be hit.
i think i need sleep.
i think i need love :/
i don't know how to love.
my life as i know it has no meaning.
I need to change.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Dear Sleep,
Dear Sleep,
Why must you evade me so? I've done nothing to you. All I really need is a few hours to get me by. Why must you refuse me this simple pleasure?
Your presence is the only thing that settles my mind, why have you forsaken me? The drugs don't help, its only chaining you to me, its never restful. My eyes burn and itch as if sandpaper and acid are being rubbed into them at all hours. Bags form under my eyes, so massive and dark that meth addicts whisper their worries. My body aches from the complete lack of rest, my joints click and pop while my spine aches and my neck begs to stop holding up my head.
I growl and snarl at the people around me, like some enraged animal. I can not seem to find a single reason to get dressed or attempt to make myself presentable. Those haunting dark circles under my eyes always stay.
As if being too exhausted to function but doing it anyhow wasn't torture enough, you've convinced my immune system that if I'm too lazy to function why should it? How I loathe you, you fickle bastard. Why do you grant sleep to the wicked and the horrid, but not me? What have I done? Is the damage reversible?
Oh Sleep, dear friend-no, lover- please grant me just one night with you. Those hours would be so precious. I can not force you to stay for more than you wish, you never do.
Please grant me this wish, before I physically destroy myself.
Adoringly,
Jessica
Why must you evade me so? I've done nothing to you. All I really need is a few hours to get me by. Why must you refuse me this simple pleasure?
Your presence is the only thing that settles my mind, why have you forsaken me? The drugs don't help, its only chaining you to me, its never restful. My eyes burn and itch as if sandpaper and acid are being rubbed into them at all hours. Bags form under my eyes, so massive and dark that meth addicts whisper their worries. My body aches from the complete lack of rest, my joints click and pop while my spine aches and my neck begs to stop holding up my head.
I growl and snarl at the people around me, like some enraged animal. I can not seem to find a single reason to get dressed or attempt to make myself presentable. Those haunting dark circles under my eyes always stay.
As if being too exhausted to function but doing it anyhow wasn't torture enough, you've convinced my immune system that if I'm too lazy to function why should it? How I loathe you, you fickle bastard. Why do you grant sleep to the wicked and the horrid, but not me? What have I done? Is the damage reversible?
Oh Sleep, dear friend-no, lover- please grant me just one night with you. Those hours would be so precious. I can not force you to stay for more than you wish, you never do.
Please grant me this wish, before I physically destroy myself.
Adoringly,
Jessica
Monday, March 2, 2009
man,
i have a headache again.
my back hurts and i want to read
i haven't done my homework
and there are way too many people alive and breeding.
but its okay.
because i saw a rainbow today
and it made me smile, just for a little bit.
my back hurts and i want to read
i haven't done my homework
and there are way too many people alive and breeding.
but its okay.
because i saw a rainbow today
and it made me smile, just for a little bit.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
obscenity
Who are you to decide what is obscene?
who decided your moral standards are that of every person?
What if i really honestly do find artistic merit in playboy? I mean you have to be talented to airbrush & accent the correct places to make them attractive right?
obscenity is amazing.
stop cockblocking my artistic views with your damn morals.
i'm not asking you to like it.
i'm asking you not to kill it.
who decided your moral standards are that of every person?
What if i really honestly do find artistic merit in playboy? I mean you have to be talented to airbrush & accent the correct places to make them attractive right?
obscenity is amazing.
stop cockblocking my artistic views with your damn morals.
i'm not asking you to like it.
i'm asking you not to kill it.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
siren
i'm a siren.
and not in the "BARELY LEGAL SIREN SUCKS COCK" kinda way.
in the i put on a super cool mask that makes everythink listening to me and following me and trying to love me is a good idea.
then they hit the rocks in their ships of life.
and blow up
and for some reason keep coming back
even after i've smashed their ships to pieces due to my inability to do anything properly.
i don't want to be a siren.
i shouldn't be a siren.
i just want to be loved.
and be able to accept that.
but once again, instability forces me to be alone.
because i push it all away.
i think i'll go vomit and sleep alone.
and not in the "BARELY LEGAL SIREN SUCKS COCK" kinda way.
in the i put on a super cool mask that makes everythink listening to me and following me and trying to love me is a good idea.
then they hit the rocks in their ships of life.
and blow up
and for some reason keep coming back
even after i've smashed their ships to pieces due to my inability to do anything properly.
i don't want to be a siren.
i shouldn't be a siren.
i just want to be loved.
and be able to accept that.
but once again, instability forces me to be alone.
because i push it all away.
i think i'll go vomit and sleep alone.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
samskeyti
is the most beautiful thing ever.
ever.
coates made me cry out of frustration.
he kept asking me why i didn't want to enter any of the things i'm really proud of
and i couldn't explain it to him.
some shit just isn't meant to be entered in contests.
its my soul.
but i can't just explain that to him.
because i'm inept.
and he's an asshole.
and i'm not complacent.
ever.
coates made me cry out of frustration.
he kept asking me why i didn't want to enter any of the things i'm really proud of
and i couldn't explain it to him.
some shit just isn't meant to be entered in contests.
its my soul.
but i can't just explain that to him.
because i'm inept.
and he's an asshole.
and i'm not complacent.
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