Things I Never Tell People

You asked me in your slurring drunken voice why I don't sleep.
I didn't have the courage to tell you the truth so I smothered your voice with a drunken kiss.
You told me sleep was to be the savior of the world and all its inhabitants.

I muttered my cynical "Lucky them" into your shoulder. You chuckled and kissed my forehead whispering " I wish you could sleep, its the most beautiful thing in the world." I took the bottle away and put out my cigarette in a puddle, dragging you inside.

As you passed out next to me I began to think and spiral away from reality.

Slowing my breathing. Counting my heartbeats.
I slowly drifted to sleep.





and you don't even remember it.

How far I have fallen

I'm a liar.
I'm a whore.
I'm an asshole.
I'm a terrible excuse for a human being.
My id is in control more than I realized
and now that I've caught on i'm hoping to change.

but i don't know if i can.
no one has faith.

Ian told me he didn't think I'd ever change.
and that I was bound to keep hurting people.


which i guess is true.


I just wish I...actually cared?
its not that I don't care.
its just... I still don't see anything wrong with being self serving.

which is the problem i'm sure.

i know what i want. i get what i want
and i ignore what i need
and i don't care.

but on the other hand
i care so much my soul weeps.
i don't know if i have a soul.

i doubt it.
i'm just a fleshy bag of existence with a pathetic mind that is clearly failing

i have no fucking clue where my super ego is.
but it should show up.
so i can care.






i feel as if the devil and god are both sitting by idly while I rip myself to shreds and destroy anyone who gets close enough to be hit.

i think i need sleep.
i think i need love :/


i don't know how to love.



























my life as i know it has no meaning.





I need to change.

Dear Sleep,

Dear Sleep,
Why must you evade me so? I've done nothing to you. All I really need is a few hours to get me by. Why must you refuse me this simple pleasure?
Your presence is the only thing that settles my mind, why have you forsaken me? The drugs don't help, its only chaining you to me, its never restful. My eyes burn and itch as if sandpaper and acid are being rubbed into them at all hours. Bags form under my eyes, so massive and dark that meth addicts whisper their worries. My body aches from the complete lack of rest, my joints click and pop while my spine aches and my neck begs to stop holding up my head.
I growl and snarl at the people around me, like some enraged animal. I can not seem to find a single reason to get dressed or attempt to make myself presentable. Those haunting dark circles under my eyes always stay.
As if being too exhausted to function but doing it anyhow wasn't torture enough, you've convinced my immune system that if I'm too lazy to function why should it? How I loathe you, you fickle bastard. Why do you grant sleep to the wicked and the horrid, but not me? What have I done? Is the damage reversible?
Oh Sleep, dear friend-no, lover- please grant me just one night with you. Those hours would be so precious. I can not force you to stay for more than you wish, you never do.

Please grant me this wish, before I physically destroy myself.


Adoringly,
Jessica

man,

i have a headache again.
my back hurts and i want to read


i haven't done my homework
and there are way too many people alive and breeding.



but its okay.
because i saw a rainbow today
and it made me smile, just for a little bit.