Tuesday, December 30, 2008


sometimes i wish something would happen to justify the paranoia.

is that wrong?

i'm not begging for more things to go wrong.
theres plenty of that.


i just want to be able to not look so crazy all the time.

i have six pages of manic scrawlings from last night.

theyr'e all so illegible

except that line.

awesome. i'm losing my shit again.

Monday, December 29, 2008


this can't be real.

this isn't right

no no no no no.

i feel sad.
and empty
and my stomach/heart hurt.

this isn't right.

fuck, fuck, fuck.


he's too sweet and good.
he shouldn't have to deal with this.

fuck you universe.
if there is a god he clearly loves fucking up everything good and right.

i hate how someone will probably think its just god testing them.
nothing happens for a reason.
were all fucked.
i hate everything.

i can't do this right now.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

i wonder

i wonder a lot: what if i'm wrong about God not existing?

what if i die and the big mans real and he's just irked as hell because i denounced his existence for my whole life.?

or will he really be the forgiving cool guy everyone says he is? 'oh you lived a fairly not horrible life WELCOME'

idk, i'm not a bad person all the time.
i just.....
i'm a bad person more often than is really heaven worthy thoughh.

i mean i've never like killed anyone.

but really, its the thought that counts.

yeah that shit goes both ways.

but on the other hand.

nothing really matters anyway.
my existence is totally without reason or purpose.
and that's fucking rad.

but my ego wont let that happen
i must be something
i must change someones opinion thoughts views open some fucking doors man!

i just wish some shit was spelled out for you
like yeah, we are created by some magic man in the sky
or no you fucking idiot were jsut here; do something with the time ?

speaking of time.
fuck you modern medicine.
i don't want to live to 100
which is fucking lame.
everythigns lame.

i dont know if i can hold this shit up much longer.

i need a mental health week...month.

End of the Year

i never understand why its such a big deal.
i mean
i don't celebrate the new morning
which really is more substantial to me than a new year
because if the new year never came its because the next day never came.

i mean 2008 was ...interesting.
man i've fucked up this year.
i've dated some serious assholes
i've been a serious asshole.
i've realized i lack the human capacity to give my heart away to people.
i've also realized that my libido is more in charge of me than is acceptable.
i've read great books, met fantastic people, wasted time like no ones business, reaffirmed and rearranged my beliefs,
i feel like this year is one of the first times i've really just...appreciated the moments.

and now i'm about to be uprooted and thrown into "adult hood" and college

i'm more mature than i was a year ago.
and quite frankly i'm proud of the person i'm becoming.

i'm self aware and okay with most of the things that are clearly wrong with me.

this year made me realize

i'll never fit in to normal societial roles and i'm simply doomed to walk to the beat of my own drum.

while i love being free and flowy...theres always that isolation factor.

the misanthrope just wants to be loved.

i"m rambling again, sorry.

Sunday, December 21, 2008


katie bought me a fish.

its cute.

Eyes Of Gold

i named it vonnegut.

because kurt vonnegut is amazing
and should be reincarnated as my pet.
or friend.
or himself

his books are brilliant
he's brilliant
and my fish is my pathetic tribute.

so it goes.

Monday, December 15, 2008


why can i only create when i feel like shit?

i hate the things i make when i'm happy.

that's not good.


And I don’t know why I feel so tongue-tied
Don’t know why I feel so skinned alive

myxomatosis of the brain.
i swear to christ.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

all i do

all i do anymore is sit around listening to music and reading.

i should go outside.

i need to take more pictures soon before the place in my brain that stores all photography related knowledge atrophies.

i should have taken it with me today.
but i didn't because i was too preoccupied with the rain and the air.
i felt like i'd be intruding.

i'm so dumb :/

Monday, December 8, 2008

what if

what if the amount of flash-drives a person carries around is directly proportionate to how important they are?

what if we could live on the moon? how fast would we ruin it?

what if i didn't have to do more home and family shit for photography 3.

fuck you.!

i hate my family, they're ugly and assholes.

no thanks.

um, etc.

Friday, December 5, 2008

panic attack

  • Racing or pounding heartbeat
  • Sweating
  • Trembling
  • Feeling short of breath or smothered
  • Choking sensation
  • Chest pain or discomfort
  • Nausea or stomach discomfort
  • Dizziness or lightheadedness
  • Surreal or detached feeling
  • Fear of losing control or going crazy
  • Fear of dying
  • Numbing or tingling
  • Chills or hot flushes

they suck.
i hate phobias.

i fucking hate birds.
i hate how i can't control my body
i just fucking lost my shit.


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

i miss suggestion

i miss commercials not being blatantly sexual.

i miss the fun of it being a double meaning that was still hidden.

i hate how sexuality is either exploited or shameful.

i just want people to want to bone and not feel the need to broadcast their sexual adventures across my television set at dinner time.

that is all.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

its thanksgiving, so naturally i'll be expressing gratitude now.

first! best friends; you know who you are. thank you. seriously. everytime i do that bullshit.
you roll your eyes at me and tell me to stop being such a moron. you're there when i need someone to talk to. you're there when i need a place to get away from my house at. you're there at 3 in the morning when i'm having a meltdown.
thank you.

insomnia, oh you fickle disorder. thank you for making me the most productive person ever. i love you and hope you never leave me.
i clearly function better without sleep anyway.

thank you america for electing barack obama. you restored a little faith. [minus the massive kick to the groin from prop 8]
thank you obama for being the single most inspiring story of 2008.
i reallyhope this goes well for you, and america.

thank you mother for letting me take the car all summer. im sure you really had things you wanted to do.

thank YOU for showing me how fucking stupid i can be sometimes.

thank you pleasant grove for trying, to the best of your abilities, to give me the knowledge i thirst for.

thank you kurt vonnegut, for continuing to inspire me despite you're current lack of physical existence. you're brilliant and i will recommend your books to everyone i meet til the day i die.

thank you everyone who lets me rant and bitch at them about [insignificant] things.
thank you all the friends who are still there even if they aren't in the "best friends" section- you're all still important awesome people. otherwise i wouldn't surround myself with you :]
i love you guys.

thank you yearbook class. for just....being.

thank you shaw for constantly having faith in me in your own weird way and letting me do yearbook work instead of going to class :]

thank you young for letting me crash in your room after school and melt down in front of you. also, thank you for being such a lame goth nerd :]

thank you daddy for letting me still cry on your shoulder after every stupid fight we have you still let me curl up next to you and watch stupid tv when i feel bad.
thank you daddy for working 3 jobs just to make sure we have enough money to survive and live. you're the most amazing father i could ask for and sometimes i really just miss you.but I'm really glad every time you come home.

thank you ian.

thank you mr. little for NOT putting up with my bullshit.

thank you internetland[andalgorelololol super serial<3] for allowing me to be myself and broadcast it. and to share my photography with more people.

thank you southpark and jon stewart for making it okay to laugh at the most horrid things ever. well, thank you satire in general.

thank you crista for being so vulnerable and open. you're the most inspirational person i don't really know that i've ever talked to. you make me want to be a better person.

thank you civil rights activists and such, you make me a better person.

thank you everyone that's ever inspired me, taught me, raised me, loved me, shaped me, yelled at me, put me down, picked me up, let me be or listened to me.
i'm so eternally grateful for the things you all do for me. I know i don't express it daily, or ever, but i should. you're all so amazing. Even if you've treated me like shit, thank you.
i'm better because of it.
i'm proud of the person i'm becoming.
and don't you dare stop me now.

- Jessica
ps. if i think of more it will be added.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Just a thought

i was thinking about christmas trees
and how that came to be tradition.

i think extra trees are planted and grown, purely for the purpose of Christmas.
these trees cancel out gross air as trees do.

i think the extra trees are planted to cancel out the extra smogishness of the extra trucks and factorys making all the extra toys people really don't need.

katie laughed at me when i told her this.

whatever. i like thinking the universe regulates itself.

Sunday, November 23, 2008


i hate prop 8.
i hate twilight.
i hate being an "artist".
i love art.
i wish humans weren't so revolting.
i'd be more inclined to fight for different civil rights if i believed people deserved them.
i fight for the ones that apply directly to me.
i listen to radiohead and nin far more often than is probably healthy for my system.
i should be reading "turn of the screw"

i like to write my stream of consciousness down.
i don't expect people to read it.
but they often do.


i'll write more eloquent and perceptive things later.