Friday, January 2, 2009

i post too many of these.

i guess the name is more fitting now.
manic ramblings
that's all i do.

and i am the girl who tried.

whether anyone gets my references or not doesn't really matter to me.


[sometime to sometime]

He Tried

base too much of my life off of things other people have said or done.

i just want to be a good person.

its so fucking hard sometimes.

the news makes me cry.

how doesn't it make everyone?

i can't deal with this shit.

i'm an emotional wreck.

and all i do is pretend i don't have emotions to everyone.

i fuck up relationship after relationship because i don't want to hurt them

i break up with people to avoid hurting them.
what kind of retarded logic is that?
then i justify it to myself "oh it would've ended badly"

and then i get lonely.
and i do it again.
i date someone for like a month to two months
then vomit my insanity on them in one sitting.

then they're like "well work it out"
and i'm like "no"

and its bad.

i'm 18. i shouldn't have this many issues already.

i think i'm bipolar.
but i get physically ill if i think too long about it.

the longer you think the less you know what to do.

no one knows these things.
well i'm sure they've all assumed i'm not an emotionless robot.
thyey're not all stupid.

its pathetic the way i block it out until i meltdown.
which really its about every 4-5 weeks.

i get mad at love stories for being so irrational.
i get mad at women for being so open with their emotions.
i get mad.

i hate the world and everyone in it.

but thats totally a lie.

and totally makes that sound stupid.

everything i say sounds stupid.

i wouldn't advise getting too close.
i only bite because i'm scared.
i only bite because i don't want to hear it.
i can't accept your love.
i can't accept your worry.
i can't accept your good nature.

i want to.
oh sweet god in heaven i want to.
i want nothing more than to fall asleep in someones arms and have it not make me want to vomit the battery acid i'm sure flows through my veins.

i'm insane.
i'm sorry.

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