How far I have fallen

I'm a liar.
I'm a whore.
I'm an asshole.
I'm a terrible excuse for a human being.
My id is in control more than I realized
and now that I've caught on i'm hoping to change.

but i don't know if i can.
no one has faith.

Ian told me he didn't think I'd ever change.
and that I was bound to keep hurting people.


which i guess is true.


I just wish I...actually cared?
its not that I don't care.
its just... I still don't see anything wrong with being self serving.

which is the problem i'm sure.

i know what i want. i get what i want
and i ignore what i need
and i don't care.

but on the other hand
i care so much my soul weeps.
i don't know if i have a soul.

i doubt it.
i'm just a fleshy bag of existence with a pathetic mind that is clearly failing

i have no fucking clue where my super ego is.
but it should show up.
so i can care.






i feel as if the devil and god are both sitting by idly while I rip myself to shreds and destroy anyone who gets close enough to be hit.

i think i need sleep.
i think i need love :/


i don't know how to love.



























my life as i know it has no meaning.





I need to change.