Birthday.

"Be nice to her because of who you are, not who she is"


"But, I am who she is"



The mere sight of you fills my veins with battery acid.

Your every utterance fills my head with volcanic hate.


I only want for you to leave.


I don't love you.
I don't even like you.



you've made it apparent you loathe the day I was brought into creation.
but to be honest, the blame lies in your hands.


You're spiteful, jealous, anxious, depressed, self-loathing, irresponsible, irrational, and just generally awful.
The house is full of tension.
Car rides makes me want to vomit.




Happy Birthday Mother.
I can't say it out loud.
But if it helps, I've never hated anyone more completely in my entire life.




this isn't a phase, and it won't leave.

You've damaged me beyond what I thought words had the power to do.

I've become you, and we'll all be surprised if I don't throw myself into traffic to rid the world and genetic cesspool of you.



You and I are the same person except for one massively important detail.

I realize it.

inside.

flatten my hair.
flatten my speech.
flatten my appearance.
take that out.
take that off.
why is that even there?
don't you know they don't want you?
they only want you if the past four years of molding stuck.

but nothing stuck you say!
don't make me laugh.

they're inside you now.

look at you, you're using punctuation!
though you narrowly escaped those dangerous capitals.


Creativity? Have you learned nothing? you poor fool, blind and hopeful.


Don't worry, We're watching out for you. Just go back to bed, close your eyes and fall asleep.
We've got everything under control again.

Things I Never Tell People

Christmas lights were forcing their way through the fog
Begging to be loved, admired, or just seen.
I just drove past, further into the suburban labyrinth
Windows down. Heater on. Sun roof open.
the rain drops crashed down
Heater off.
Kid A drowned out the purring of the engine, the splashing of the tires through puddles.
My heart raced
the rain slammed into the car, my face, the road
the maze opened into the field that was still untouched
Untamed grass covered the roots of the grove
Car stopped. Lights off. Music on.
Without warning I began to sob
not out of sadness, no.

and the rain drops
fell around my feet

Standing in the shadows
the world is beautiful

Things I Never Tell People

You asked me in your slurring drunken voice why I don't sleep.
I didn't have the courage to tell you the truth so I smothered your voice with a drunken kiss.
You told me sleep was to be the savior of the world and all its inhabitants.

I muttered my cynical "Lucky them" into your shoulder. You chuckled and kissed my forehead whispering " I wish you could sleep, its the most beautiful thing in the world." I took the bottle away and put out my cigarette in a puddle, dragging you inside.

As you passed out next to me I began to think and spiral away from reality.

Slowing my breathing. Counting my heartbeats.
I slowly drifted to sleep.





and you don't even remember it.

How far I have fallen

I'm a liar.
I'm a whore.
I'm an asshole.
I'm a terrible excuse for a human being.
My id is in control more than I realized
and now that I've caught on i'm hoping to change.

but i don't know if i can.
no one has faith.

Ian told me he didn't think I'd ever change.
and that I was bound to keep hurting people.


which i guess is true.


I just wish I...actually cared?
its not that I don't care.
its just... I still don't see anything wrong with being self serving.

which is the problem i'm sure.

i know what i want. i get what i want
and i ignore what i need
and i don't care.

but on the other hand
i care so much my soul weeps.
i don't know if i have a soul.

i doubt it.
i'm just a fleshy bag of existence with a pathetic mind that is clearly failing

i have no fucking clue where my super ego is.
but it should show up.
so i can care.






i feel as if the devil and god are both sitting by idly while I rip myself to shreds and destroy anyone who gets close enough to be hit.

i think i need sleep.
i think i need love :/


i don't know how to love.



























my life as i know it has no meaning.





I need to change.

Dear Sleep,

Dear Sleep,
Why must you evade me so? I've done nothing to you. All I really need is a few hours to get me by. Why must you refuse me this simple pleasure?
Your presence is the only thing that settles my mind, why have you forsaken me? The drugs don't help, its only chaining you to me, its never restful. My eyes burn and itch as if sandpaper and acid are being rubbed into them at all hours. Bags form under my eyes, so massive and dark that meth addicts whisper their worries. My body aches from the complete lack of rest, my joints click and pop while my spine aches and my neck begs to stop holding up my head.
I growl and snarl at the people around me, like some enraged animal. I can not seem to find a single reason to get dressed or attempt to make myself presentable. Those haunting dark circles under my eyes always stay.
As if being too exhausted to function but doing it anyhow wasn't torture enough, you've convinced my immune system that if I'm too lazy to function why should it? How I loathe you, you fickle bastard. Why do you grant sleep to the wicked and the horrid, but not me? What have I done? Is the damage reversible?
Oh Sleep, dear friend-no, lover- please grant me just one night with you. Those hours would be so precious. I can not force you to stay for more than you wish, you never do.

Please grant me this wish, before I physically destroy myself.


Adoringly,
Jessica

man,

i have a headache again.
my back hurts and i want to read


i haven't done my homework
and there are way too many people alive and breeding.



but its okay.
because i saw a rainbow today
and it made me smile, just for a little bit.